the Sundering

For all my belief in the importance of openness and communication, I've been dealt only the deafening silence of social contempt and rejection (even before my verbal tantrums did the rest of that work), even at a time of social and geopolitical upheavals when i needed them most. I was left without conversation or dialog - let alone social engagement, camaraderie and solidarity - left to feed on media headlines off the bottom of social existence. With the exception of a repsite in the years 2004-2006, not only have i been deprived of parties and hangouts and get-togethers with friends from 1997 to 2015, I have been deprived of all social function, with a fickle materialistic pretentious pseudo-bourgeois family of aunts and uncles and cousins - who all consider me lame and boring, who have never invited me for anything, and who exclude me from all their get-togethers. Cousins, all younger than me, who believe i envy them for having jobs and wives, so low and presumptuous is their lower middle class thinking. Even going to the family-oriented sports clubs to which i have access became an ordeal with the questioning contemptuous looks i get from staff even before members if i go w/ an unshaved beard, or even if i sit by myself reading a book. Unknown to them, or known as the son of modest parents, i get the contemptuous cold-shoulder treatment from the staff, even the women in work clothes sweeping the steps of the club house stoop. Not to mention the insults i've gotten from taxi drivers and the complete unpredictability of their treatment or whether i can even hail a cab when i want to go somehwere - many a time i totally failed to get where i wanted despite dozens of empty cabs passing. The friends and cousins and all those i know who've confined me to oblivion and deigned not to acknowledge my existence any more have done nothing short but burying me alive. And now , living alone, the custodian staff such as the concierges and their vast extended cohorts of family relations and friends and the garage thugs consider me a retard, a mentally defective person - for living alone, never or seldom going anywhere and with nearly no visitors at all. For years. Since me without a community, they openly showed hostility and derision and contempt to me, such as thugs who deliberately increased their noise-making and verbal abuse after i complained about , depriving me of proper sleep (and therefore study) for three years, and completely derailing my sleep cycle, and even breaking my wrist a couple of times - with complete apathy and inaction from police or neighbors, leaving me suffering from angina, insomnia not to mention a near total destruction of my personality. In addition they falsely told anyone who asked that i am crazy, a faggot, a coward - when police asked them if i went to demonstrations, and so on - all within earshot of me right outside the walls of my rooms. all the social "kn,owledge" i acquired through college and university, through friendships, marriage, travel and work, all gone , gone for good and gone for naught. I hold those who participate in my isolation by action or inaction, by false gossip and slander, responsible for ending my social life and the prospects that come with it. I played no small part in this after lashing out at them for years in tantrums that were often uncontrollable and impulsive, resulting even more isolation and demonization of my person. But stuck in isolation since age 25 or 26 , that's tough. Even b/f the torrent of social rejections with which i was met in 2004-2006, none of them visited me or stayed in touch. Even though many of them enjoyed friendships and get togethers and visits in the same city where i was living. ###