and how

and even if all of a sudden i'm provided with a friend. let alone a group of friends, a scene, a community. who and what will make up for decades of loneliness, and isolation? and who the fuck is the asshole who looks up this blog's main page every time i put a new post ? ... Read more

outsider

i feel angry / anger at being without friends, not liked by anyone. but also at being never in or behind a project or business or anything good that reaches people. i've always been an outsider. among cousins, among schoolmates, at college, at whatever work. i'm always the late comer, the outsider. and now i'm an outcast. always alone. despised or forgotten. slandered , maligned and misread, without ever a chance to hear my slander or defend myself against it. ... Read more

the Sundering

For all my belief in the importance of openness and communication, I've been dealt only the deafening silence of social contempt and rejection (even before my verbal tantrums did the rest of that work), even at a time of social and geopolitical upheavals when i needed them most. I was left without conversation or dialog - let alone social engagement, camaraderie and solidarity - left to feed on media headlines off the bottom of social existence. With the exception of a repsite in the years 2004-2006, not only have i been deprived of parties and hangouts and get-togethers with friends from 1997 to 2015, I have been deprived of all social function, with a fickle materialistic pretentious pseudo-bourgeois family of aunts and uncles and cousins - who all consider me lame and boring, who have never invited me for anything, and who exclude me from all their get-togethers. Cousins, all younger than me, who believe i envy them for having jobs and wives, so low and presumptuous is their lower middle class thinking. Even going to the family-oriented sports clubs to which i have access became an ordeal with the questioning contemptuous looks i get from staff even before members if i go w/ an unshaved beard, or even if i sit by myself reading a book. Unknown to them, or known as the son of modest parents, i get the contemptuous cold-shoulder treatment from the staff, even the women in work clothes sweeping the steps of the club house stoop. Not to mention the insults i've gotten from taxi drivers and the complete unpredictability of their treatment or whether i can even hail a cab when i want to go somehwere - many a time i totally failed to get where i wanted despite dozens of empty cabs passing. The friends and cousins and all those i know who've confined me to oblivion and deigned not to acknowledge my existence any more have done nothing short but burying me alive. And now , living alone, the custodian staff such as the concierges and their vast extended cohorts of family relations and friends and the garage thugs consider me a retard, a mentally defective person - for living alone, never or seldom going anywhere and with nearly no visitors at all. For years. Since me without a community, they openly showed hostility and derision and contempt to me, such as thugs who deliberately increased their noise-making and verbal abuse after i complained about , depriving me of proper sleep (and therefore study) for three years, and completely derailing my sleep cycle, and even breaking my wrist a couple of times - with complete apathy and inaction from police or neighbors, leaving me suffering from angina, insomnia not to mention a near total destruction of my personality. In addition they falsely told anyone who asked that i am crazy, a faggot, a coward - when police asked them if i went to demonstrations, and so on - all within earshot of me right outside the walls of my rooms. all the social "kn,owledge" i acquired through college and university, through friendships, marriage, travel and work, all gone , gone for good and gone for naught. I hold those who participate in my isolation by action or inaction, by false gossip and slander, responsible for ending my social life and the prospects that come with it. I played no small part in this after lashing out at them for years in tantrums that were often uncontrollable and impulsive, resulting even more isolation and demonization of my person. But stuck in isolation since age 25 or 26 , that's tough. Even b/f the torrent of social rejections with which i was met in 2004-2006, none of them visited me or stayed in touch. Even though many of them enjoyed friendships and get togethers and visits in the same city where i was living. ### ... Read more

they isolated and exiled me

the mother fuckers exiled me from society, from my own society of friends, former colleagues, acquaintances, outside of whom i knew none, all while laughing at me, deriding and despising me and humiliating me and disparaging me in front of women, at a time when i most desperately needed and wanted a relationship and to regain my friendships with women. Something which at the time would make my spine bristle - as it was long before other demotions and humiliations completely shredded my dignity and sense of self and self-respect. it was before street thugs loitered around my own home for three years , feet away from me, insulting me and telling anyone that would ask the most awful lies about me , and insulted me with loud hollers and beat me and broke me in front of the entire street when i complained than yelled at them for their incessant noisemaking - which they only increased and intensified. so long before that total destruction of the self and person that my parents and i spent my whole life building, those mother fuckers - former friends and colleagues from the American University in Cairo - and those from College St-Marc - they started with destroying and disparaging my character and preventing me from being in any social company of theirs. Those were Hassan Khan, Sherif Azma, Omar Kamel, and many others. And the ones that despised me openly to my face and treated me with levity and contempt even in front of their wives, and those that would cut any contact with me and refuse to acknowledge or reply to me after seeing them, lke Mica Sabit, Ihab Sakkout - and those who wouldn't even deign to see me or send me a hello like Adam Awny or Sherif Assar. All of whom are sociable opinion leaders in their social groups, and whose rejection of me meant the rejection of the whole group. Women never took an interest in me but of the most fleeting kind. But when all those males openly rejected my society and / or insulted and slandered me like with hassan khan and mohamed mansour, it was only natural that every woman i'd met at auc would have nothing to do with me. ironically it was only those not living here that would talk to me like patricia or or kuwaiti dina. and so began a ten year journey of isolation and exile - during which i lashed out at them verbally through social media - often fueled by maddening chest pains and coughing crises , thoughts of my open-ended hopeless isolation - continuing from that in my diaspora . And that was followed by the deliberate hatred and abuse of the street thugs who destroyed what would be left of my person , my self-respect and self-confidence. The same derision, avoidance and dismissal, besides outright contempt and yelling and dressing down i got from my younger sister - who always refuse to acknowledge i'm an OLDER brother and who later always denies that she did any wrong, vehemently refuses to apologize and accuses me of "carrying" those grievances , and my cousin who was my childhood friend - and who after having cut contact with me - chats with my tyrannical sister , while forbidding me from talking to his sister. ### ... Read more

socially deprived

so sick at being interminably deprived of society, association and friendship; deprived of having intelligent educated cultured women as friends, of having no friends or buddies or girlfriends or any kind of society or association. women despise me and hate my guts. the only ppl i see are the concierge and her extended family and cohort of endless relatives and visitors who loiter in the bldg's entrance and the in courtyard; the food delivery ppl - presumptuous and often rude or imbecilic ; the thugs who loiter day and night outside my home and who've turned me into the butt of their jokes, derision and verbal and noise and sometimes physical abuse - without an iota of sympathy or help from neighbors or the police. when will i have friends or friendship? when will ever anyone - particularly women -look at me with a modicum of respect. i've been buried alive without society since the mid to late 90s. despite being technically ok, i've been deprived of jobs, advancement in jobs and a career, deprived of friendship and intelligent conversation, hanging out, parties, trips, etc. i reject this life - i'm sick of it. i wish i had died many many years ago. ... Read more

Tech karma - an overlooked aspect of engineering

a tech system or device's responsiveness, state & quality depend not only on its design but also on the tech karma of the user. in particular, a user having misgivings about a given piece of tech, platform or product while almost certainly run into "bugs" and will have a difficult experience with it, then someone who is enthusiastic about it, and has gone through the hoops and is generally a good user, like having RTFM. So basically, some people are just tech imbeciles, and their bad tech karma causes gear they use to act up. ### ... Read more

thugs

as i'm coughing my brains out, the thugs around my home in the street are calling me a faggot. ... Read more

10.iii.xv, posted a nu track

Playing around with Ableton Live packs.
Bass riff used briefly in the intro is from a P-Funk song, title forgotten now.
Drum loop by Bomblastic, Live pack clip, Acoustified 2 w/ edits.
Guitar pads by Vinyl Classics, using pack clips:
- Sounds of the 70s, 95-Freeway Driftin' FD-Guitar Pad clips 1 and 2, pitch-shifted for chord changes
- and 115-Herbs with Albert, HWA-Rusty Guitar clips 1 and 2.

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The joys of conversation

Of the only two people available for me to talk to, one is a livid minefield of bad temper and negativity and the other is deaf.

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