when

when will anyone be or want to be my friend? when will anyone need me
for anything?
when will anyone want to talk to me or listen to me or care about me o
r hang out with me or need anything from me? When will anyone apprecia
te me or want spend leisure or work time with or work with me or help
me make something for once in my life.
even the maids who clean the house, they don't need me and they make t
his clear, and walk out on me - i have to literally beg them to do my apartment and pay them extra money to do it, upending the employer employee relationship completely. so much do they feel disgusted and annoyed by me , if i don't beg them, i'd be forced to clean after my own and the pet's shit and puke myself.
despised and hated by all who met me. this is not fair to me. not fair
 to my feelings for others like relations or former friends or society in general, or to my intentions - to collaborate on making good beneficial things in business, art and community, in any of a number of different fields.
i've been condemned to live out my days, alone, discarded, despised, ignored, blocked, deserted, rejected, hated, maligned slandered and misunderstood, alive but not really alive. dead but not really dead, from my mid 20s.
excluded from projects and parties and trips and get-togethers, excluded from family reunions - rare as they are - excluded from everything.
none of what i read or studied or learned, none of my thoughts or opinions matter to anyone. despised even by my younger tyrannical sister.
and languishing in poverty and inaction, despied by even the doormen and street loiterers that surround my home with noise and prejudice and contempt.
none of my opinions or knowledge or tastes matter to anyone. my feedback and input are not welcome anywhere.
the world is happy to forget me - to "die" me as i live and yet i cannot
forget the world.
and still want to be a part of the world.
but when?
i've grown old and ill. whatever social skills i've gathered in the 90s and 2000s have all but
faded into uselessness and forgetfulness.

due to incessant noise, recurring depression and frequent illness and now the insomnia and having to move residence so many times due to the noise my study is stalled and always stuck at the introductory phase in anything i wanted
to study.

an entire life spent or wasted on uselessness, loneliness isolation, and the contempt or indifference of others. dead alive. neither dead nor alive.

and yet if ever social opportunity presents itself, i owe it to myself to renounce and reject it. so there is no leaving the isolation, ever.

that's too unfair to me and my intentions and goals.