shit life

life patterns, every time i get up i have to piss, and every time
i go to w.c. since last night, it's a shitter

life patterns, having to shit in front of people,
i wake up at 1400 and have the urge to piss, it's at the same time
the  concierge's large family's women are gathered outside my fucking ktchn
and bldg door rings, with their men returned from their fucking prayer,
and i have to sit meters from them
and this long loud sequence of farts comes.
as usual i have to do my shitting and pissing a coup,le of meters from
those loiterers who occupy the bldg's crtyd instead of getting themselves
a place to live like everyone else,
with the approval of the penny pinching uncivilized coptic landlords.

add to that my stupid smother waking me up from much needed slp
at 0500 and 1000 AM with stupid questions that she'd asked me b/f
and I know it's a shitty day frmo the start.

computer totally fucking unresponsive

not loading shit freezing and crashing.

obstructed every possible way
mother as ever un-forthcoming in her talk, you never know what's her true
state or why she does anything

browsers freezing

restau not responding

maids none of them want to come today

anything i choose to do seizes up and freezes and fails.

all to the background / foreground noise of a fucking street seller
blaring out his thick inhuman accent through a loud megaphone
in the back alley where he parks to bray
and from whom only the thugs who occupy  the back alley buy things.

as none of the residents here buy from him.

and the browser only unfreezes when i leave it.

the food eaten last night , last evening is still not digested and i got diarrhoea again - which i've had on and off since November.

And curse them will none of my family or former friends ever call me again?

they have deprived me of any social connection or any acknowledgement validation or moral support or aid
and condemned me to open ended loneliness and isolation. curse them all.





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snafu

The Plumber is shit: water and mildew seeping through all walls in all the buildings i've been in. All the plumbing is fucked.
The electrician is shit: any metal surface electrocute and he doesn't know how to ground the circuit. Another one sold me fuses that caused a house fire.
The carpenter is shit: none of the doors, windows cupboards are fixed.
The handyman is shit: no show. Because my job's too small.
Phone line: cut twice with scissors in the past 7 years.
Taxi drivers are shit: have to ask their permission and tell them your destination before getting in the cab - if they deign to stop for me - which is a rarity, having cost me many appointments in the past, before becoming a shut-in , particularly and expressly to avoid them. And then they choose their own route, take other passengers, never use a meter, Their cars stink, chairs broken, doors broken , etc. etc. etc.
The Bread is shit: regular bakery bread is thin as a wafer , can't hold even spread cheese in one piece. Supermarket bread turns into crumbs after a couple of hours because they cheat in the indegrients.
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fucked

my guts are fucked
my sleep is fucked
my computer is fucked
my whole life is fucked.


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when

when will someone intelligent who'se not a concierge or a garage thug talk to me or hang out with me or be my friend
when the fuck will i have a friend or be asked to hang out, or invited to a party or to go out for drinks.
when the fuck will be in a group of friends and enjoy company and conversation of intelligent educated women of my age or of any fucking age?

when the fuck will i have a friend?

i haven't had a friend for over eight years. i haven't been to a party since 1996.

i haven't been to a beach since 2004.

i've had no one to talk to since 2006 or 2007, and before that since 1997.

when the fuck will i have a car or a job or go camping or to the beach or have friends or have a girlfriend or a wife?

when the fuck will all my knowledge and erudition be shown to anyone and when will i get any reward for it?

when the fuck will all the books and media i have  can be put on the SAME damned set of bookshelves in one place, not rotting away in boxes?

when the fuck will i have a decent desk or work table?

when the fuck will my cousins or former friends miss me?


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kisses and conversation

The last I've had a conversation with a moderately intelligent educated middle class woman was in 2006. Since then, i haven't sat down or had a conversation with such, i.e., for some nine years! The last time i've kissed or been kissed by a moderately intelligent educated middle class woman was in 1997. Since then, no such relationship, intimacy or mutual affection, i.e., for some eighteen years! ### ... Read more