question

question,
why is there a need for the complexity seen at the nucleus level?
would it be sufficient for the universe if the nucleus was a simple
point charge like the electron?
why all the other hundreds of transient particles emitted and decay
and the weak forces responsible for them and the strong force and
its incredibly complex dynamics?

we know that nature is efficient to a tee (to rephrase w/ a better expression).
so there must a necessary function fulfilled by the subatomic scale
being so complex rather than a simple -ve / +ve charge model of the atom.

could it play some sort of as yet unseen indirect role in the formation
of that one force for which no gauge theory exists yet, the gravitational force?

could it happen to be at the root of other macro level effects

Update: todo - after sleep!...

... Read more

ironies beyond funny

'tis not funny

i've endeavoured all my life to learn and be cultured and civilized.
and yet in the middle of the urban jungle, and having to live with all the urban
shit that comes with it,
i am surrounded by rurals all around my apartment,
with only thin walls separating us.
they are not of my social or intellectual or any other class.
they are upper egyptian gypsie hungar doormen who loiter and squat in the
crtyard all around my kitchen and bathroom on one side,
and a group of criminal thugs hailing from the city's most criminally notorious
shanty town all around the other half of the apt.

my neighbors, the other tenants in the bldg, other middle class educated professional bourgeois,
i never see them, they never help me or talk to me, as if they do not exist.
my actual neighborhood consisists only of those hooligans and thugs and imbecile prejudiced bigoted ignorant rurals

who have blighted my life with bigotry, prejudice, disrespect, class conflict, noise, filth,
the courtyard is full of rats weasels insects due to their filthy lifestyle.

and they are all around my windows, right outside my windows all around my cursed residence.

and ironically, all the people i've loved, all the people i want to associate with,
are impossible to be with, with them despising me, abandoning boycotting and slandering me,
and hating me ..

all that i hate however is so close to me they hear me snore in my bed and fart in the bathroom,
and think i'm insane if i sing or hum in my kitchen. they hear my phone calls, my tantrums,

and being so isolated with only limited interactions with menial handymen, delivery ppl,

the entirety of my meager inteactions with others happen right within their eyesight and earshot,
or hearing.

so i am deprived of privacy, quiet, being w/ peers of my own fucking social and educational and professional class,
and i am surrounded and engulfed in and suffocated with the exact opposite,
the very examples of ignorance and backwardness in the country, sticking on me like flies on shit.

the ironies are terrible, crushing.

the deprivation and the misery equally so.

and there is no way out.

...

... Read more

thugs

THUGS HAVE LOITERED AROUND MY HOME AND TORMENTED ME FOR FOUR YEARS - NOT LEAST OF IT DISRUPTED AND DEPRIVED ME OF SLEEP  FOR FOUR YEARS, BROKE MY WRIST ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS, CAUSED ME ANGINA, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, CHRONIC INSOMNIA, STOLE MY CATS, PREVENTED ME FROM PROPER SLEEP OR STUDY ETC.

POLICE AND NEIGHBORS HAVE REFUSED TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.

THIS IS SOME OF WHAT THEY DID TO ME OVER FOUR YEARS:

- the thugs over years and repeatedly
they stole my cats - one of them irreplaceable never recovered

the other one was returned only after i announced a 1000 pounds reward. it was skeleton thin and its side was shaved.
And then they made fun of the matter, even though i'd been looking for the cat for days and they were asked about it.

they call out my mother's nickname, sister's, outside my windows

they beat me up  and threatened me
broke my wrist twice
and threatened to break the other one if i don't stay quiet 

eavesdropped almost continually
made up false highly damaging and dangerous rumours about me
got my phone calls content from police phone monitors
made noises near wherever i go in the apt. and timing it so w/ hollers, honks
hoot calls, insults, etc.
these patterns and noise making caused preventing the use of more than
half the apt.
w/ much of the other half's privacy intruded upon by the concierge's very
large extended family (been seeing new "members" and faces of all ages
for the past four years) squatting and taking over all the public spc
of the bldg as their own private residence - w/ the leave of the landlord
who does not provide them w/ living arrangements other than this.
affected my slp cycle to point of insomnia and missing days w/ parents
affected my anger issues and anger management efforts
caused me insomnia, anxiety, stress, angina, worse gut trouble etc.
made fun of my coughing fits
make fun of me when i lose my temper
send street kids around to follow me laugh and make hoot calls at me
etc.
followed me and inquired about me
exchanged gossip and lies about me w/ police informers
and congregated w/ them and made fun of me, slandered and insulted me
right outside my home - repeatedly
holler extra loudly and honk deliberately to annoy me.
etc.
used their knowledge of my short temper to provoke me into confrontation
spread false damaging and dangerous gossip about me in the entire neighborhood
spanning to my parents' home.
increased my stress, paranoia, anxiety and anger issues exacerbating
existing problems of social exclusion and isolation and (issues of)
social professional and personal failures.
interrupted my study and music practice on a piano i continued to pay for
which rent.
one of them, the most imbecilic, once called at me trying to distract
as i was crossing the street amid two-way traffic.
more than once would lurk in front of the bldg's entrance to see
who's coming and going to my apt. he would enter the bldg to see when
maid leaves for instance. possibly after hearing our parting dialogue
and door slam from the side alley, meters from the inside of my apt.
and the apt. door.



###

... Read more

otant

health= (meds: ).
hopefully no otants today.
otants.
again mother fuck.
again i wake then the
... Read more

bad verse and prose dept.: el

Sans ailes, sans elle
de quoi s’élever au dessus
de sa vie de bordel

sans elle, Sans ailes
de quoi éviter l’espoir déçu
à la mort éventuelle.



... Read more

the information field and the social field

In previously posted notes, I made reference to these two concepts as potentially worthy of some interest/study.

The idea is to construct a field theory of information and its exchange as an intrinsic property of nature, as well as a theory of social interactions analogous to field theories that describe the fundamental interactions among particles in the universe.

That is to construct such theories formally with the notion that both "information" (more on it later, hopefully, or maybe what a given object tells us about itself)) and society are not that different from the fields where fundamental forces of nature are mediated among particles by bosons.

... Read more

when

when will anyone be or want to be my friend? when will anyone need me
for anything?
when will anyone want to talk to me or listen to me or care about me o
r hang out with me or need anything from me? When will anyone apprecia
te me or want spend leisure or work time with or work with me or help
me make something for once in my life.
even the maids who clean the house, they don't need me and they make t
his clear, and walk out on me - i have to literally beg them to do my apartment and pay them extra money to do it, upending the employer employee relationship completely. so much do they feel disgusted and annoyed by me , if i don't beg them, i'd be forced to clean after my own and the pet's shit and puke myself.
despised and hated by all who met me. this is not fair to me. not fair
 to my feelings for others like relations or former friends or society in general, or to my intentions - to collaborate on making good beneficial things in business, art and community, in any of a number of different fields.
i've been condemned to live out my days, alone, discarded, despised, ignored, blocked, deserted, rejected, hated, maligned slandered and misunderstood, alive but not really alive. dead but not really dead, from my mid 20s.
excluded from projects and parties and trips and get-togethers, excluded from family reunions - rare as they are - excluded from everything.
none of what i read or studied or learned, none of my thoughts or opinions matter to anyone. despised even by my younger tyrannical sister.
and languishing in poverty and inaction, despied by even the doormen and street loiterers that surround my home with noise and prejudice and contempt.
none of my opinions or knowledge or tastes matter to anyone. my feedback and input are not welcome anywhere.
the world is happy to forget me - to "die" me as i live and yet i cannot
forget the world.
and still want to be a part of the world.
but when?
i've grown old and ill. whatever social skills i've gathered in the 90s and 2000s have all but
faded into uselessness and forgetfulness.

due to incessant noise, recurring depression and frequent illness and now the insomnia and having to move residence so many times due to the noise my study is stalled and always stuck at the introductory phase in anything i wanted
to study.

an entire life spent or wasted on uselessness, loneliness isolation, and the contempt or indifference of others. dead alive. neither dead nor alive.

and yet if ever social opportunity presents itself, i owe it to myself to renounce and reject it. so there is no leaving the isolation, ever.

that's too unfair to me and my intentions and goals.




... Read more